How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
