If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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