how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
