Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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