i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
