like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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