The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
where are you?
Hypothermia
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
