Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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