Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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