I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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