I looked at my own cervix.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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