I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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