Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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