I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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