The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
