Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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