he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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