i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
