At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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