im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
