Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
