I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
