i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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