Soap is not a condiment
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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