He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
