You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
