i think my mom watched the whole time
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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