Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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