I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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