If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
