The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude. I can hear the air.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
