noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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