if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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