Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
