I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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