Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
