he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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