i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
