I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
