Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
