I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
