I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
