grandma shit on top of the toilet
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
