Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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