The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm really busy with my period
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