so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
