his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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