i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
