youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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