I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
