you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
