I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
